The Landlord wears a robe. All the time. Every time I’ve seen him - on one of his ’shuffles down to the kitchen from his private lounge - he’s wearing the same worn, blue robe. It’s like deja-vu, except that he occasionally creeps past my room wearing mildly appropriate clothing. He asks if you’re ‘allrigh’ ?’ before slipping out of the door to god-knows-where. It’s quite entertaining actually. I’m starting to get the impression that he does not leave the house unless by some sort of prior appointment. He does not work. He has a massive flat screen T.V in his private lounge. He does not share.

I suspect that the Landlord was an only child.

The second character of note is Eyes. It calls itself Colin, but we do not believe a word of its falsities. It is Eyes. It wears awesome glasses. I’m not sure what Eyes does with its time, but Eyes makes ‘chilli con carne’ and other such oddities for its dinner, leaving the house filled with a mouth-watering inducing smell (to lure innocent sailors/walkers to their death).

I suspect that Eyes is a closet axe-murderer.

Tony lives on the top floor. He is from ‘UpNorth’. He doesn’t sound Scottish, so I ask why not? He says that where he is from is not that far UpNorth. His admission of the fact that he is not from ‘that far UpNorth’ indicates that he is in fact from InTheMiddle and is therefore also a liar. Tony works at the Zoo. He is an animal keeper.

I suspect that Tony has strange fetishes involving killer whales.

Will lives on the top floor. He is very quiet, but does not - like Eyes -give the impression of an axe murderer. As this could all be a very great deception, I have watched his actions carefully. Will washes his hands before greeting people and doesn’t make a sound on the creaking staircase. The staircase always creaks. Will always says ‘allrigh’ ?’ first. Will is moving out in three weeks time.

I suspect that Will has an appointment to become Death’s apprentice.

Nadine lives on the top floor. She has the smallest room in the house. She is kind and helpful. She likes tea and microwave meals. She talks at about one hundred words a minute and sometimes gets stuck on repeat. She is blonde.

I suspect that Nadine forgets to take her medication.

There is a spiral staircase. It runs from the kitchen up though the gap left by the construction of the actual staircase. It has a black bannister. It is the strangest thing in the house, including Eyes.

I suspect that the person who engineered it was on crack.

I also suspect that I am being facetious.

Facetious means ‘cleverly amusing in tone’.

Amusing? Eyes is very amusing.

They are all rather nice. They are all down to earth and lovely. Possibly my suspicions are false.

Except about Eyes.

=)